I’m really despising myself today.
I did my workout in front of my mirror and all I wanted to do was vomit. Not because it was epic. Not because I had just eaten. Not because I had pushed myself to extremes.
I wanted to vomit at the reflection staring back at me.
Who the fuck is that. Who is that girl.
Cellulite on her arms, no jaw line – just a couple of extra chins, thighs that overlap and a belly that hangs over her lady bits. I don’t even recognise her.
For as long as I can remember (which, thanks to my poor memory, is actually not that far back) I’ve want to be “that” chick. The chick you haven’t seen for some time and then you bump into her and she’s lost all this weight and is glowing! The chick who loses that much weight that people actually notice and take notice. The chick who has a new stride, a different stance and sparkly eyes.
I’ve wanted this even when I didn’t need to lose any weight.
When I was fit and toned but, for some ungrateful reason, thought I was fat.
I want my moment but I’m just too fucken lazy.
I’m lazy because I’d rather eat shit.
I’d rather sit on my arse.
I’d rather whinge and whine about being fat than actually doing something about it.
I’d rather wait my entire life for a simple solution, a magic pill…. something that is never going to come.
Something, anything other than having to put some real effort in for longer than a day or two.
But I can’t go on.
I can NOT go on like this.
It has to be hard work.
It has to be dedication.
It has to be saying no, closing the fridge, backing away from the cookie.
It has to be showing up, getting up and moving every fucking day.
It has to feel hard.
It has to take time.
There is no other way.
I’ve got to keep showing up even when the easier choice, it seems, is to give up because I know it is NOT the easier choice.
It’s the unhappiest choice.
The one that makes me more miserable than anything.
The one that ties my stomach up in knots.
The one that makes me despise the girl in the mirro.
I cannot spend the rest of my life like this.
I will not.
Disclaimer: Yes I know there is a pandemic at the moment. I know there are way more important things in the world/my life than weight. I also know how lucky I am to have food on the table, in my fridge and filling my belly.
Just my thoughts.
Just my day.