Am I Adulting Right?

Do you ever feel stuck?
Like you can’t for the life of you see another way out or through or around whatever it is you are stuck in?
Mine, although fleeting, are also constant little hums in the back of my mind… Constantly throwing questions to me regarding my life, my choices, my everythings.

Am I in the right line of work and for the right reasons?
Am I harnessing my true potential?
Am I doing enough for and with my kids?
Am I progressing like grown-ups are supposed to?
Am I making the right decisions to better myself and my family and my life and the world?
Am I adulting right?

Fuck knows.
Some days I am not sure I can say I am doing my best because sometimes I can’t help but feel like it’s my worst.

My mind is mush.
I remember NOTHING.
I confuse people with other people.
Emails all roll into one.
My brain is blank.
My creativity is stifled, or hidden or non-existent.
I lack confidence and clarity.
I am anxious about everything all of the time.
I am highly stressed with no logical reason why.
What I do is nothing compared to what others do or what others are going through. I am a first world-er. My problems are not problems in comparison to so much of the world.

I have a roof over my head, a comfy bed, warm clothes, money in my account, food in my fridge, healthy kids, a loving marriage. I pay my bills on time; I have a steady job; I cook meals and make lunches like a regular parent. I am adulting. So, what the fuck is my problem! I am not permanently in a fight or flight situation, yet my anxiety thinks I am. I have everything, yet I am constantly over-thinking, stressing, panicking about it all.

Ten deep breaths – I tell myself this often. But I am buzzing – not in a good way and my brain continues to draw a blank. Nothing computes in there anymore. I’ve blamed Ross River for years, but I am not sure this is the truth anymore.

I can’t recall a time in my life where I could remember things, but then again, my memory is not the greatest – I feel like this deserves some ba-da-bing-ba-da-bom sound effect.

I have nothing inspiring to say to finish this post off like I usually would. This is just me right now underneath it all. Just a girl, a woman, a mum, a wife, an employee, a sister, a friend, a fuck up. I’m all of it, and yet none of it defines who I truly am.

LD ||

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