I often say I don’t have regrets but that’s bullshit. I do. I have A LOT.
I regret throwing myself at the wrong men time and time again seeking validation I could only ever give myself.
I regret being a friend that was always looking for something better.
I regret the kind of daughter and sister I was. I regret the lies that covered up the truths. Some of which are so clouded now I’m not even sure anymore.
I regret many moments I had while being a mother to my eldest three. I regret so many of the days where they subjected to be around shit, energetically.
I regret saying yes when I really meant no. So, many times.
I regret not standing up for myself when what was happening to me was wrong. But things were different then … weren’t they.
I regret the pain I caused others and the games I played with men. The games they played with me.
Most of all I regret all that wasted life.
So much of my life was wasted doing things I didn’t want to do while pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
I regret the lasting memories I’ve left with people who have crossed over and those still walking the earth who potentially still see me as that shitty memory.
I regret so hard some days that I find it hard to breath. I can’t close my eyes because the memories of those things, the places and the people roll through my head like some sick cinematic torture device implanted in my brain. Opening my eyes and shaking my head only rearrange the memories around for when I close my eyes again.
I hate that it still see it. I hate I still feel the shame of it all.
But I know to move forward, carrying this regret, is only going to be another regret added to the list.
I can’t change peoples memories of me nor can I change the things that were done to me. I can’t move forward carrying this load of guilt, shame or “what if’s” – it’s so heavy. It’s so loud. It’s so time wasting.
And I know time is precious. I know there’s an ending coming and I don’t get an eternity to do this living thing right. I know. I do. And I am trying. I do this for you. Because of you. Because you never got to doing this whole living thing for long. So I do this for you J.